Thursday, April 29, 2010
I feel strange about my weight right now. I have finally almost lost all the weight I regained (Since January...I still have 45 lbs. to go overall), and my legs do look different, but I still feel horrid about them. Why? My pants are still fitting the same! Ugghh!!! It's so frustrating because I hate tight clothes, and they are just tight nenough to make me feel miserable. I can't wait for summer!!! Activity is going to be a welcome change!
The problem with trying to live a normal life in vet school, is that by the time you get done with school, get home, and sit down to eat dinner, you already feel like you've wasted too much study time. The same goes for shopping, socializing, exercising, relaxing, even showering! Sometimes after a night of late studying all you want to do is hit the snooze button and go back to sleep for another precious half hour. The downside of course is, then you have to go to school greasy and dirty. Luckily all bets are off during finals week. You would think everyone had suddenly decided to join the softball team, with all of the baseball caps people wear to cover up dirty hair. Everyone gets stressed, everyone gets bloated and sickened with all the information crammed down their throats so that they can try to maintain their grades, or get the last 5 extra points they need to pass. Most people get 4 hours of sleep or less each night/morning. Tears, anxiety, frustration, and anger are high, and everyone dreams of the Friday, Saturday, or Sunday when they can sleep uninhibited for the 12-14 hours it takes to catch up on all the rest they lost.
Honestly, I think finals week is unnecessary. I really think there could be a way that people could spread the finals out over two weeks, like they are in two of our classes this semester. One real blessing is that all of the teachers are willing to help ease the burden. Very few of our exams are completely cumulative, at the most only half of some of them are, and the new material is only about 4 lectures since it is late in the semester. So far I think the worst 2 finals will be Medicine and virology. Simply because Medicine is cardiology, which I feel I know nothing about,even after paying attention and taking notes in class every day. Virology will be hard because I will probably only have one night to study it well. Thank goodness half of it will be over Vesicular diseases, Foot and Mouth disease, Rabies and Blue Tongue, all of which we have either studied in another class or been exposed to in some other form (pun intended!). Tomorrow is our last exam before finals start, then I will be heading straight to Africa. EEEEEKKKK!!!!
P.S. I love stumble upon, you find the best pictures!!!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Sometimes you need to lie. You need to say something crazy that you know is untrue because you hate the reality of it and you hate the way it feels to not understand it. Sometimes it's the only way to release the frustration. It just makes it worse when people try to defend the thing that makes you miserable. That they don't realize you are venting and try to make it all seem ok, when for you it's not.
Picture from theoatmeal.com, check it out!
Sotoday was the open house for the vet school. As usual I took Twitch in for the visitors to see. She was so perfect! She let people touch her sides and face, and pet her, she was still when they held her. She even was calm when a little boy began petting her aggressively (Petting her like you would a German Shepherd or some other large dog). I think things went better this year because I made sure to ive her little breaks throughout the time we were there. She had time to nap or relax and regroup for the next round of awe and affection. She also won second place in the Pet Show for most unique trait. First place went to a kitty named Tonto who was born with genetic defects that make it very difficult for him to walk. He is missing toe bones, and ankle bones on his front legs and his back legs both have fusion of the ankle joint, so he hops like a bunny. He is super cute and a very relaxed cat. A perfect example of what I should strive to become.
After the open house was over we went to Dairy Queen and everyone was getting Blizzards. I didn't want to feel left out so I felt like I had to get one, even though I knew it would be bad for me health wise. I found the one with the lowest calories (440!!! More than my usual meals!!!) and even though I knew I shouldn't I ate the whole thing, which led to me being in a funk for he rest of the afternoon because I knew that it was a bad decision, and that things like that are the exact reason why I can't lose weight. I know if I can learn to control my eating habits things will get better, but I don't want to have to feel controlled because I am afraid I will rebel later and go crazy like the first time I started binge eating. Ugghhh. So I have been sad all afternoon, and trying to study when distracted and depressed is like trying to slog through 25 miles of muddy bog. After awhile you just want to roll up in a ball and quit.
The worst part is poor Max has been trying to cheer me up, and since it hasn't been working I feel I am making him depressed. Then I imagine he is going to get sick of my bipolar emotional fits and break up with me since I am so depressing all the time. Sigh.
Happily my brother posted a new video to his blog, which was quite funny and has helped make me feel better. Our humor is so ridiculous, I really have no idea where we get it from. Hopefully I can get some serious studying done tonight and be prepared to put in serious work tomorrow, because as of now I am not going to do well on my test this Monday.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
I just finished Turbo Jam Cardio Party, Aiyahh! I worked up a real sweat, and it was really difficult! I had to go slower and try to learn the moves, but I still got pretty tired. I love Turbo Jam though! If you've never heard of it it's a mix of martial arts, kick boxing and dance set to really cool music. You definitely feel it in your abs and thighs. My goal is to master that by the end of the year and finish my personal training sessions by the end of the semester. If you've never tried it I suggest looking at it on You Tube. I really like it, and I am picky about workouts. It is really fun, you get a great work out and you master it over time. Awesome!!!
I am so hungry! I don't know why it is that there are days when I just feel starved. I'll eat nice, healthy meals and then just go crazy with hunger. I usually get a good amount of protein, fat and fiber...so I don't know what the deal is. It's not like I am on a low carb eating plan either. I guess I will just try to stay healthy, eat things that are good for me, instead of sweetened things. I'm trying to not think about losing weight, instead I am trying to be healthy, but that is a hard habit for me to break. I've been trying to lose weight since the 5th grade...how do you break an addiction of 15 years duration? I guess one day at a time.
Anyways tomorrow I want to start fresh. I feel like I have been in a preparation period since January. I have been working hard on getting into the work out groove, my eating has improved vastly, now I just need to get my blood sugar under control and work on self confidence. Part of the self confidence thing should come as I lose weight. I know that isn't right, but I really feel that way. I guess I need to love myself as I am, but it's so hard when I feel inferior to others because of my weight. Hopefully I can find some worth in myself aside from my physical experience or grades in school. Uggh.
So tonight it will be study, exercise, study. Clin Path is kicking my butt. I really had hope at the beginning of the semester that it would be fun and interesting. While I'm sure it is for some people, it certainly isn't for me. I think the main problem is it is our last class of the day. By the time I get to it I am worn out, and it takes a lot of brain power for me to understand what is going on. So most of the time I listen and go through slides but don't absorb a thing. Sigh. Even studying at home seems pointless.
Well I better stop whining and get to work. Systemic path and medicine won't wait, and the sooner I am done the sooner I can work out and move on to clin path! At least I have Twitch and the cats to keep me company, animals are always comforting to have around.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
One thing I really wish I had was a mentor. Someone older and wiser to show me the ropes, talk about serious stuff, and who wanted to encourage me. When you get into Vet school it's nice to have someone on your side who can tell you it will all be ok in the end, because sometimes it feels like no matter what you do you are failing at not only school, but life in general. Vet school takes every ounce of strength and will power to stay positive and keep moving forward, and sometimes you just lose it and have to break down. Thank fully I have many wonderful friends and an awesome boyfriend to help get me through, but that doesn't mean I don't have bad days, because I definitely still do. Thankfully today is not one of those days, and hopefully I can get through the rest of the semester without another one. But to all those other vet students, don't be afraid to have miserable, nasty, tantrum throwing, cry your eyes out, hate your life, and wish you could quit days. It's part of the learning process they don't tell you about.
Anyways, that whole thing was supposed to be about the fact I got an email from a vet practice today saying they are full up with students for the summer and I will have to find someone else to do my mixed practice mentorship with. Boo. I don't have any idea who to do it with now...maybe I can ask a professor for advice. I suppose I could just look up vets near my home town too. I will have to do some detective work.
In other news, I had an excellent work out today! We did intervals on a bike, elliptical and treadmill for half an hour, and then we did strength training for arms, five different moves in three circuits. My arms are probably the fittest part of me so it wasn't terrible although I was still shaking at the end of each circuit. I felt very accomplished at the end though, which is great because I was not very happy today with my weight. I actually forgot to weigh myself this morning, but my jeans seem really tight which is never encouraging. Blehh. I'm very pear shaped, which I hate! Not that I would be happy if I was apple or any other shape since I need to lose, but it sure makes me hate pants.
Well I suppose I had better get on to doing some homework. Clinical Pathology waits for no man, and I am behind in all my other classes too. Excelsior!
P.S. If you don't know who Stan Lee is find out!!!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Well the Medicine test went ok. I actually felt like I knew quite a lot more than what I previously thought. That does not mean the test went well, but as long as I passed I will be fine. Usually I get into a funk mid semester and all my studying goes down the tubes. Then I realize I had better get back on track if I actually want to become a veterinarian some day.
I got my second Hepatitis vaccine today for Africa! One more appointment and then I should be good to go! We have our tickets, our itinerary, and hostel all booked. I am really excited! I have been to Egypt, and now I will be in South Africa! Two separate ends of the same continent. Maybe some day I'll get to see the middle too! Luckily most of the animals I love are in South Africa, Anteaters, Aardvarks, Honey Badgers, Hyenas, Wild Dogs...I can't wait!!!
On the other hand I will be very busy this summer, I have 2 mentorships to complete and I have to get in shape for the Warrior Dash. Anyways, now it's time for TV and relaxation!
P.S. Picture is not mine, I just like it a lot! :)
Monday, April 19, 2010
Well the day has turned out alright. It was helped tremendously by the fact that I got many positive complements about my new haircut, which is super short for me! My hair is thick, curly, red/brown with blonde highlights....naturally! That and my long eyelashes are my two redeeming qualities when it comes to beauty. Otherwise I look a bit like Gimli from Lord of the Rings. So it was really wonderful to hear those nice comments, and feel like I belonged amongst all the other girls for once. :)
My workout went well. I worked really hard, and as usual sweated like crazy. I love showering after a hard work out. It's so rejuvenating to feel all the salty sweat being washed away! I'm still feeling down physically about the entire weight loss thing though. I am great at exercising every day, but unless I make myself a hermit, like I was in undergrad, I have a hard time controlling what I eat. There is always someone baking or having a party or celebrating with wine, and then all self control is lost. For a long time I didn't drink because I was afraid my parents would assume I was becoming an alcoholic and worry about me. However, not drinking made me feel really left out at social events, so much so that I would either not go at all or would end up crying in the bathroom. Considering that, I probably have some sort of social anxiety thing going on....but I think I'll just try and work through it myself.
I've also been feeling down about me and my boyfriend lately. He really is the bets man in the world, but I feel like we deal with life very differently. Truthfully he does things better than I do. He thinks about things but then focuses on the here and now, what is most important. I however, focus on the future and what things could possibly go wrong with my life. I worry about fitting in to my wedding dress...and I am not even engaged! I worry about going into renal failure form my Diabetes, not getting a job, or ending up alone, but most of all I worry that everything I want is impossible.
So that is what has happened today. Now it is on to studying for my Medicine exam tomorrow. Hopefully I can buckle down and do well!
Last night was not good, and the day started out really well too! I studied, exercised, and did my laundry, then things went down hill. I hate studying and feeling like I am not absorbing anything! Yet all night I kept going through notes and feeling like I was trying to write on a craggy rock wall with a ball point pen. Then I got tired and went to bed, but I kept hearing strange noises and when I did finally get to sleep I woke up to a low blood sugar at 1:30. After that I woke again at 3:00 and prayed that it was 5:00 and time to get up, but no such luck. I ended up tossing and turning until the alarm went off.
Of course now my blood sugar is high! I was really hoping I ate the right amount last night, apparently not. I am also out of insulin after that high which means I will probably be freaking out about my blood sugar during class until I can go get insulin at the pharmacy, which doesn't open until 10:00 am!!! Raawwrrr!
So right now my day seems doomed. Sadly I am a very all or nothing person. It's hard for me to start out on the wrong foot and get back to the right one. However, I really do need to learn to adjust and plan. I can be flexible with other people, so why not with myself? Really most of the stress in my life comes from my own expectations, what I think I should be doing so that I am on equal ground with other people that I admire. I feel like I spend so much time trying to be someone else I lose sight of who I am, and what's important to me. I'll never be as smart, pretty, or cool as my friends so I need to stop trying and just try to figure out who I am, and why. Maybe if I concentrate on me, and not everyone else I will be less stressed with life in general, then I will be happier and healthier.
So my goal for today is to turn things around. Study well, Exercise hard and keep my cool!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Have you ever seen a hedgehog uncurl? At first all you see is a tiny ball of quivering spikes huffing and puffing on the ground. Then slowly, very slowly, a little nose appears twitching and sniffing, tentatively investigating what is just outside that protective barrier of spines. Pop! There goes one foot! Pop, pop! There go the rest! Then the cutest face you've ever seen appears, as if to say, "Well this isn't so bad after all!" Then off it goes running, climbing, sniffing, eating, living an enjoyable life!
Sometimes I feel like a hedgehog. I have dreams and goals, things I want to do and accomplish...but the world seems so intimidating. What if I go out there and find out I'm too slow, weak or dumb to do the things I want? What if unforeseen circumstances pop up and knock me down? This blog will hopefully help me be brave, keep me on track, and help me accomplish the things that I want to with my life. Hopefully I can also impart some wisdom and ideas about life in general to those who need it!
Since I will go on forever about myself if given the opportunity (a bad habit I know), here are a few descriptors for me: Red head, Vet Student, Type 1 Diabetic (24years and counting), Animal Lover, Avid reader, "Writer", Singer, Baker, Cook, Geek, Nerd, Romantic, History Hobbyist, Facebook Addict, Average student, Asian Wannabe, and Proud Hedgehog Owner!!!
To give you an idea of what this blog will be about here are some of my goals I am trying to accomplish:
1. Prepare for Warrior Dash in Colorado August 2010
2. Lose 53 lbs, by the end of December 2010
3. Graduate from vet school successfully
4. Pass Boards Successfully
5. Become a IHA Registered Hedgehog Rescue by the time I am 30 years old
There are short and long term goals there, but there are many other small ones that I will be writing about in between. Also, I will be going to Africa this summer for 3 weeks and doing veterinary learning there about conservation medicine, so hopefully I will post journals and pictures after the trip. First I have to get through the last 4 weeks of classes for my sophomore year of vet school, no easy task. We have a Small Animal Medicine exam on Tuesday, hurdle number 1. I am also currently going to a personal trainer, so I have to finish up all of the sessions with her before finals week, plus I have to get my apartment ready for sublease! Lots of things to do, and very little time, but part of life is mixing work and fun, so hopefully the blog will flourish!