Thursday, October 14, 2010
I officially am doing poorly in surgery. I was anesthetist first last week, and although my anesthesia overall was successful, I managed to get a 5/10 points due to a lack of knowing how to answer the questions asked me by the teachers/panic attack at the thought of not knowing the answers. You can get one five and then if you get another you get kicked out of the program. I spent 2 days crying about it, I went and talked to the teachers, and now I am working hard to make sure I don't fail. Great. I'm not working hard to learn, I'm working hard not to fail. They might seem the same, but they aren't. If I knew I couldn't fail I would learn loads more than what I do. The thought of the humiliation, going before the board, and being left behind by my classmates is terrifying. I'm also beginning to think vet school isn't worth it anymore. I never feel like I am learning anything, I never feel like I am succeeding, and I am always behind. I have no self confidence, I am mentally unbalanced, and my body is responding to the stress by making my stomach roil, my hands shake and my head spin. I try to study and get distracted by the thoughts of what I will do if I get kicked out, what I could have done to better prepare, and what exactly I said and did that was wrong. All in all, I am miserable, terrified, and don't know what to do. I just wish so much that i could change the past, I know I can't, I just wish I had a second chance to make things better. I don't though, so I am studying as hard as I can. Hopefully I will be heading to the library soon to study. Hopefully that will help. :( If not...maybe some wine. :(
Sunday, October 3, 2010
I'm in a very frustrating holding pattern. School is terrifying. Every week there is another test, a new surgery lab to try and get through, another unknown chore to take on. I am absolutely terrified of messing up during surgery, simply because I've never done it before! Many of the people in my class have done spays or neuters, even enucleations before! I can hardly suture. Plus I have no idea the order or things, the chores we are all responsible for, etc. Sure I've read the lab manual, but what good will it do me in the middle of lab, when theirs no chance to read. Ugghh.
Diet and Exercise is another issue. Epic fail on my part, and not looking good for improvement. Then there is the job I'm supposed to be applying, the studying I should be doing, the activities, the relationship issues, the insecurity issues. It just keeps piling up and getting worse. I feel very much alone, because even though there are 114 odd people in the same situation as I, they all seem to be intelligent enough to handle it with grace and ease. I just flounder around trying to stay positive and thinking about how hopeless everything is on the inside.