Thursday, October 14, 2010

Srress = Stomach Distraction

I officially am doing poorly in surgery. I was anesthetist first last week, and although my anesthesia overall was successful, I managed to get a 5/10 points due to a lack of knowing how to answer the questions asked me by the teachers/panic attack at the thought of not knowing the answers. You can get one five and then if you get another you get kicked out of the program. I spent 2 days crying about it, I went and talked to the teachers, and now I am working hard to make sure I don't fail. Great. I'm not working hard to learn, I'm working hard not to fail. They might seem the same, but they aren't. If I knew I couldn't fail I would learn loads more than what I do. The thought of the humiliation, going before the board, and being left behind by my classmates is terrifying. I'm also beginning to think vet school isn't worth it anymore. I never feel like I am learning anything, I never feel like I am succeeding, and I am always behind. I have no self confidence, I am mentally unbalanced, and my body is responding to the stress by making my stomach roil, my hands shake and my head spin. I try to study and get distracted by the thoughts of what I will do if I get kicked out, what I could have done to better prepare, and what exactly I said and did that was wrong. All in all, I am miserable, terrified, and don't know what to do. I just wish so much that i could change the past, I know I can't, I just wish I had a second chance to make things better. I don't though, so I am studying as hard as I can. Hopefully I will be heading to the library soon to study. Hopefully that will help. :( If not...maybe some wine. :(

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