Srress = Stomach Distraction

I officially am doing poorly in surgery. I was anesthetist first last week, and although my anesthesia overall was successful, I managed to get a 5/10 points due to a lack of knowing how to answer the questions asked me by the teachers/panic attack at the thought of not knowing the answers. You can get one five and then if you get another you get kicked out of the program. I spent 2 days crying about it, I went and talked to the teachers, and now I am working hard to make sure I don't fail. Great. I'm not working hard to learn, I'm working hard not to fail. They might seem the same, but they aren't. If I knew I couldn't fail I would learn loads more than what I do. The thought of the humiliation, going before the board, and being left behind by my classmates is terrifying. I'm also beginning to think vet school isn't worth it anymore. I never feel like I am learning anything, I never feel like I am succeeding, and I am always behind. I have no self confidence, I am mentally unbalanced, and my body is responding to the stress by making my stomach roil, my hands shake and my head spin. I try to study and get distracted by the thoughts of what I will do if I get kicked out, what I could have done to better prepare, and what exactly I said and did that was wrong. All in all, I am miserable, terrified, and don't know what to do. I just wish so much that i could change the past, I know I can't, I just wish I had a second chance to make things better. I don't though, so I am studying as hard as I can. Hopefully I will be heading to the library soon to study. Hopefully that will help. :( If not...maybe some wine. :(

Desperate Holding Pattern

I'm in a very frustrating holding pattern. School is terrifying. Every week there is another test, a new surgery lab to try and get through, another unknown chore to take on. I am absolutely terrified of messing up during surgery, simply because I've never done it before! Many of the people in my class have done spays or neuters, even enucleations before! I can hardly suture. Plus I have no idea the order or things, the chores we are all responsible for, etc. Sure I've read the lab manual, but what good will it do me in the middle of lab, when theirs no chance to read. Ugghh.

Diet and Exercise is another issue. Epic fail on my part, and not looking good for improvement. Then there is the job I'm supposed to be applying, the studying I should be doing, the activities, the relationship issues, the insecurity issues. It just keeps piling up and getting worse. I feel very much alone, because even though there are 114 odd people in the same situation as I, they all seem to be intelligent enough to handle it with grace and ease. I just flounder around trying to stay positive and thinking about how hopeless everything is on the inside.

Grim Reality Sets In

What a week! I say that and it's only Wednesday, but this week seems to just be heading down hill faster and faster. On Monday we had surgery lab, and it was a wreck!!! I had forgotten to watch the video before the lab so I had no idea what was going on. We had six stations which included draping the patient, learning to suture, practicing suturing, learning to scrub (ourselves), sterile patient prep, and knots and instruments. Suturing was a disaster! I got so overwhelmed by the terminology, patterns, and proper handling of the instruments tears sprang up in my eyes, and I had to hold them in. It only got worse as we went from station to station and I felt like I was surrounded by people who knew exactly what they were doing. The last straw was when we were at the last station and I accidentally used a scrub sink that was broken and wouldn't turn off. Luckily we had Dr. Baker for that station, and he had actually used the sink earlier himself, so I didn't feel so bad afterwords, but at the time it seemed monumental. As soon as we were done I grabbed Max and made I beeline for the car. Once inside I let it all out in huge wracking, gasping sobs of frustration, anxiety, and distress. Poor Max just held my hand and drove us home. He tried to talk about it but I just cried until I felt empty. When we got home I cried some more, and everyone pitched in to make me feel better. Things ended up alright, but I am still terrified of surgery.

Yesterday I had high hopes for lecture. We had 3 Zoo lectures which I was sure would be fun and enlightening. Once again it was an epic fail. We have a visiting professor and for the life of me I can't figure out what he is trying to get across to us. By the time the third lecture came around I was bored and thoroughly disappointed. Most of my classmates were vainly trying to listen, while others gave up and studied other subjects, Facebooked, or slept. At the end of the day I heard many students discussing how disappointing the lectures had been. I wasn't the only one who had been looking forward to some new insights. Pretty much the whole class was frustrated. Sigh. It makes me feel bad for our speaker. Especially when I heard from students at other schools that they had similar issues with his lecture style. He probably doesn't even realize his teaching style is a problem for students.

Friday morning is our Medicine Exam. Renal stuff, eeep. Hopefully it will go well. I have confidence, I just have to make sure everything is set straight in my mind. Anyways, time to get studying. Wish me luck.

Weight, Plans, and Goals

So I have been actively losing weight for the past few weeks. I am happy to report that I am down from my start weight by a definite three pounds, even though I haven't been very faithful to my healthy eating. I am also happy to say that I am building muscle as, my legs are much stronger than what they used to be. So overall I am pleased, but I still have a long way to go, and I still have a lot of improvements to make.

The first issue I have is making sure I exercise regularly. To do this I need to exercise in the morning before school. No more sleeping in!!! I also need to make sure I am well hydrated at night before bed so I am not overly thirsty when I work out in the morning. My plan this week is to work out every day with cardio and three days with strength.

Nutrition wise, I have been failing. I have been alternating days of starvation with eating to much, and I haven't been getting enough fruits or vegetables. So this week the goal is 1300 calories a day, no exceptions. I also need to take my multivitamin, as I am not getting what I need from the foods I am eating. Hopefully that will improve when I go to the store next, and buy more produce.

As far as my Diabetes goes, its out of control. I have had a lot of highs lately, and I can't afford that. I must figure out a way to balance evrything and get back in good control. I would like my average to be in the 120s by the end of October.

Mentally I am doing well. My self confidence is up, my brain is working, and my stress levels are down. I have been paying attention in class more, and taking breaks when I need to to facilitate studying. I am doing things I like, and studying to learn. I am exceptionally happy about that! I just have to keep thinking positive, and not panic when I do something new and intimidating.

So in Summary:
Weight Goal: 165 lbs. by the end of September
Exercise Goal: Cardio daily, Strength 3 times a week (more if I feel like it)
Nutrition Goal: Make sure I am getting enough vitamins and minerals, vegetables and fruit
Diabetes Goal: Keep a sharp eye on it and make good food choices.
Mental Goal: Keep learning, don't stress too much

Toga! Toga! Toga!

This Friday was awesome!!! It was my first ever Toga Party, and we had a blast!!! Everyone came over to our house at 6:00 for pizza. Max and I manned the cooking . We made six pizzas of various types, everything from plain pepperoni to garlic brie with onions and tomatoes (Who new brie could be so good on a pizza?). We watched Big Bang Theory, ate and talked. Michelle brought her boyfriend and his cousin, who we had been waiting to meet for awhile, and Iris and Evan came as well. Then there was the usual crowd of JACK (Jenna, Adrian, Christine, Katie), Max, Derek, Ann, and Elizabeth. After our beer and pizza all the girls went upstairs to get dressed. Michelle graciously dressed all of us, as we had no idea what we were doing when it came to pinning/draping our togas, and then we all went about accessorizing and fixing our hair. Even the boys got into the spirit and dressed up! By the time we finished getting ready it was about 9:00, so we all piled into our cars and took off!

The party was being put on by four of our classmates/friends, and luckily it was only a 10 minute ride to their house. At the house the living room had been cleared of furniture,except for the sound system table, there were black lights everywhere, and the garage had the keg and Beer Pong Tables. I was the DD so no beer for me! That was ok though, because I just really wanted to dance! After greeting our hosts we mingled for a bit, before heading in to the living room. Once there we danced and sang along to the music for about 2.5 hours! We snapped lots of pictures and the only mishap was that my toga began to fall. Yep you heard right, it began to fall off! I guess I was dancing a bit too much because suddenly I felt the bottom layer twist awkwardly around my legs so I could barely move! Luckily the marvelous Michelle had brought extra pins with her, and she took me n the pantry to rewrap me. We thought I was good to go, but unfortunately, the same thing happened again! Back to the pantry we went. This time Michelle changed the whole Toga design, and it ended up looking great and staying firmly secured the rest of the night. Finally we all decided to go to the bars, so at 12:00 we all piled back into the cars and took off for Aggieville.

When we got to Aggievville, we went to the "Vet school bar", Kite's. There we jam packed ourselves on to the dance floor and managed to get a bit of dancing done. While there I actually saw Max's roommate, several guys from a highlighter party and lots of older vet students. It was nice to see that the seniors actually do get out once in awhile. After an hour of dancing we went to Daylight Donuts, and even though they weren't open (They changed their hours) the man let us in and sold us a huge box for $8.00. I allowed myself one doughnut and several doughnut holes, which worked out very well since my blood sugar was low! Many people were excited by the fact that we had both Togas and doughnuts and we got comments all the way back to the car!

We finally made it home and changed into our pjs. Christine wanted pizza so we made one more pepperoni pizza and some garlic bread. Then we all sat down to watch Big Bang Theory again , before falling into bed.

Recipe Number Two: Lemon Melting Moments

Sometimes a recipe just looks too good to pass up! When I was searching for recipes to add to my list for this fall I stumbled upon a web site called Itty Bitty Kitchen. It seems to be a relatively new web site, but there are some very nice recipes and the design is great! When I saw the pictures of the lemon Melting Moment Cookies, I knew I had to try them. My only problem was the measurements. Not being from Australia I converted everything online, and hoped for the best.

Lemon Melting Moments (from Itty Bitty Kitchen)

Ingredients

Cookies:
200g unsalted butter, room temperature
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup confectioners sugar
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup cornstarch
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
zest of one lemon

Filling:
1 cup confectioners sugar
50 grams unsalted butter, room temperature
juice of one lemon

Pre-heat oven to 300 degrees F. Cream sugar, butter and salt. When fluffy add vanilla and lemon zest. Sift in flour and cornstarch and mix until fully combined, scraping the bowl. Form dough into small balls, about 1 Tbsp. dough per ball. Place on a metal baking sheet lined with parchment paper, and squish them slightly with a fork to get the ridged look. Bake for 20 minutes.

In the mean time, stir together the butter, confectioners sugar and lemon juice for the filling. If the filling seems too wet add some more confectioners sugar or place in the refrigerator to harden.

When the cookies are done allow them to cool for about 15 minutes. After that, frost the cookies on the flat side and cover with another to make small sandwhiches.

My filling came out very wet and when I used it on the cookies it gooped out everywhere. I think I may have accidentally added in a bit too much butter, or perhaps I had a much too juicy lemon. The cookies were very good though, and they looked pretty, so I think it was rather successful!

Lab Diagnostics FTW!!!

Today is Lab Diagnostics day. Every Tuesday afternoon Max and I go to our lab, listen to a lecture on blood, urine, etc. and then perform the tasks they require us to do. It is a very satisfying class because it proves that you actually know something concrete. Last semester I was convinced that our Clinical Pathology course would do that, alas, Clin Path only confused and befuddled me. So when I heard we had Lab Diagnostics I was minorly horrified, sure I was doomed to another semester of feeling like an idiot. Happily this is not the case. Lab Diagnostics is all about seeing, doing and understanding. Not memorizing and interpreting strange blood data sheets. I get to apply things and it helps me learn what I need to know for this class and it helps me learn what I should have learned last semester. Today is a relatively short lecture and then we have to stain a slide, do a CBC, and do microhematocrit and total protein. I learned how to do all of that when I was in undergrad, so hopefully we will get out early and I can get some extra things done this afternoon....like that pesky surgery reading I have had to put off, or that Medicine homework that needs doing, or....well you get the idea.