Three More Days... :(

It's Thursday night, only three more days before school starts again. Sigh. There are many things that have not gotten done, and perhaps will not get done by Monday, but that's ok. Max and I have spent a lot of time at the vets office this week. We made hot pot for dinner tonight, and there are blueberry bars in the oven! We are also watching Star Trek, the new movie, with the young guns in it. Yay Anton Yelchin!!! If you haven't seen the movie Charlie Bartlett I highly recommend it! It's one of the best movies ever, with a great cast!!!

Currently we are waiting for a storm to hit us, although it may have passed over by now. About an hour ago we had a small hail storm and lightning, but it has been quiet ever since. Hopefully it won't wait until tomorrow, because we have an early morning doing some Vet work at a certain zoo!!! We got an invite this morning when we happened to run into our Zoo Animal Medicine teacher. He really likes Max, and our relationship seems to amuse him somewhat. So tomorrow, early we are headed to the zoo. What will we be working on you may ask? Hmm, perhaps a picture?

Spring Break!!!

Spring Break!!! Spring Break!!! It's Wednesday, and so far it has been a good weekend. On Friday and Saturday, Christine and I went to the vets office and played with cows and a lot of cats!

On Sunday Max and I made soft pretzels for breakfast, from scratch! After a relaxing morning we went for a nine mile walk around the city! Yikes! It was intense, but fun. We pretty much walked all afternoon, from 1:00 - 4:30. By the end of the day we were both worn out. Hmm...maybe that walk wasn't such a great idea, but it was pretty fun!

On Monday and Tuesday we went back to the vets office for more cows, dogs and cats. We got to preg check 130 cows, do Breeding Soundness Exams, and look at some sick calves. We also saw a cow with a full breach of her calf. It was great, but Max and I were both exhausted by the end of the day. We both pretty much collapsed on the couch and fell asleep watching TV.

SO this morning we finally managed to start getting things done. After a good nights rest we got up early made breakfast (Blueberry cornmeal scones), and started washing laundry and dishes. We have also finally been able to give the cats some attention, because they have been very bewildered about everyone being gone.

Raaaggghhhh!!!

So I am mad....and this is why. I'm not really good at talking. I can't carry a conversation about one topic for very, and I don't know how to gracefully leave a conversation. I always feel rude interrupting someone and leaving. I have done it in the past, and the person always looks so disappointed when I go, as if they had so much more to say.

The same is true of phone conversations. Everything past hello is risky business. I mean who knows what will happen! Gahhh!!! If you know someone you end up filling awkward silences with I love yous....but you can't really say that to someone randomly calling you out of the blue (nothing like creepy love to heighten the sense of awkwardness to epic proportions).

The problem is, I am surrounded by people who want to talk! I get in trouble for not calling my family...but I have nothing to say! All I have to tell them could be summed up in a 30 second phone message! Also, I am in a profession where it is expected for you to be gabby. Which means many, smart intelligent people who could spend hours talking about barn swallow fighting laws!!! Thus when I inadvertently wander into one of these pestilent word volleys, I have no choice but to smile and nod, smile and nod, smile and nod. While inside all hell is breaking loose. Seriously, the crew that runs my mental bridge has to hang on and hold the shields at maximum so that all the out of control nerves firing don't make me have a stroke!

Love starts with You!

So, it's been awhile since I posted on my blog, but luckily we only have one test this week, which means blog time! Yay!!! This is great because this past week I have been thinking about something that I think is blog worthy....and I hope it doesn't seem like just a bunch of psycho babble...but it may....we'll see.

The thing that I want to say is this...we all need to start liking who we are, even when we make mistakes. We need to start acknowledging to ourselves that we are interesting, likable individuals. We need to take all the psychological mishmash in our brains, all those nasty comments from classmates, or those insulting, hurtful comments from our families, and chuck them. We need to set old prejudices aside, deal with our jealousy and anger, and be free. Because the more we give in to the things that hurt us, even the little things, the more we drag ourselves down. Let me illustrate with my own life.

I have a great family. Growing up I had a lot of support, and love. I was also pretty lucky that I never got made fun of in school. So you would think I would have turned out a happy, confident individual....mmm...not so much. I really don't know why my self esteem has been so horrible through the years, but I can definitely pinpoint some things that led up to it, and the day I started sabotaging myself.

I went to a Christian school, so we talked about God every day, we even had chapel on Fridays. However, the one thing I learned from my school was that I should be terrified of God. The first chapel that terrified me, was the one where our speaker decided the best way to educate elementary school students on Jesus, was to teach us all about the horrific way he died. The man went in depth describing the crucifixion, pain, blood, nails, thorns, spears....everything. He told us about the cat o'nine tails, that had shards of glass and pottery in it, and how the cross was full of splinters so that the person being crucified would be flayed as they lifted themselves up to breathe. Yeah. I was like 8 years old. Add to this the fact that movies Hocus Pocus terrified me (We had to leave the theater because I started sobbing in horror....my LITTLE brother was so mad we had to leave.) so you can see how I might have been a bit scarred (and scared). I spent the whole chapel with my ears covered. Every so often I would uncover them, listen in horror for a minute or so and then go back to blocking it out. I began to be a little afraid of God. The second horror came when a man told us a story about accepting God as our savior before it was too late. He told us the story of a man who was dieing of cancer that he went to visit. As the man lay there gasping for his last breath he started screaming, "Please get my feet out of the fire!!! Please get my feet out of the fire!!!" Thus, the man obviously went to hell, and we were taught that you should be a Christian if you wanted to avoid pain and torment. Once again...God seemed pretty scary. Add to these all the other fire and brimstone stories and you can see how I began to be absolutely terrified of God. So when I was getting older and getting concerned with my appearance I began to worry that if I liked myself, or thought I was pretty, or had nice hair, or anything like that...I would be smote by the wrathful hand of God. Every time I looked at myself in the mirror I told myself that I was ugly, or fat. If I got a good grade on a test I told myself I was stupid, and it didn't matter. So eventually, I believed everything I told myself. I began hating myself, and thinking I was stupid, I thought I would never amount to anything, and I assumed everybody else thought the same as I did.

I don't think it was entirely due to those things. When I was younger I had some family problems too. My parents got divorced. I also always felt like I didn't physically fit in with the females in my family. While my mom, aunt and grandma, were all thin, delicate, brown haired women, I was the chubby, red head with rounded features. So many of these things came from my own mind, and just built up over the years, until now.

For 16 years or so, I haven't been able to accept myself fully. I say fully because I am half way in between. Honestly, I am really proud of being me. I like my soul. I like what I have done so far with my life (well except for all these psychological things, eating disorders, my strange fear of talking in high school, and my tendency to lapse into awkward silences.), and I like the plans I have for the future. True there are some things I could change about myself, change is important as we grow after all, but I need to accept that I am fine just the way I am now. I don't have to feel guilty for being human. I can make mistakes, I can be happy when I do things well, mediocre, or even poorly! I don't have to be perfect to be a worthy individual. I don't have to disagree every time someone compliments me, or point out my flaws if someone says I am pretty. I've been making a conscious effort these past couple of days to accept myself, and the happy things people say to me. It's been difficult to smother the voice in my head that pops up to criticize me, but it's interesting how quickly it has been fading. I'm hoping I can keep working toward being happy. Luckily I have great friends and a wonderful boyfriend to help me get through.

So, if you're like me, and have problems accepting yourself, break free!!! Life is too short and there is already too much pain in the world. Begin to love yourself for who you are, and everything will get much better.

Finally, here are some interesting links I found that pertain to this post:

http://www.viruscomix.com/page540.html

http://pja64x.com/2009/11/the-parable-of-two-wolves/

Spring!!!

Every morning this week I have been wakened by the sounds of birds outside my window! There have also been little groups of male robins flitting around looking confused. Maybe the females still aren't back yet? Or maybe they are wondering when all their turf got taken over by crows...hmm. Needless to say, I am very excited the warm weather is coming back. I love winter, but all sorts of great things happen this spring plants, birds, calving, White Coat ceremony, the end of my classroom career, yes!!!!


I still have a long way to go, but at least the weather is putting me in a better mood. Now I just need to start working out again. I would like to not look like a Christmas goose for white coat ceremony....and even though I only have about a month and a half to do anything, I think some exercise will work wonders. I am recruiting Max to help me, since he always feels out of shape. That means running again, yay! Now I just have to figure out the weight lifting thing.
Well nothing much else to report. Back to zoonosis stuff. I hope to blog about a very important birthday party soon! Until then please don't fault me ofr all these blurry pictures of Twitch! :)

Lost my First Patient.? + Animal Guilt

So yesterday we did a C-section on a cow. We were hoping it would be succesful, and I suppose it was on some level because the cow is fine, but unfortunately her calf didn't make it. As soon as we saw it coming we knew it was about one month pre-mature. Luckily the residents were there to help us, because the little calf needed epinephrine, dopram, and oxygen. We tried everything to save it, we did everything right, but she was too weak to make it. One resident even tried doing chest compressions to re-start her heart after she died, but it didn't help. So that was that.
It was really awful, and of course the tears sprang up, as usual. Luckily I didn't cry in front of any extreme large animal people. Still I think the teachers knew what was up, so that's a bit shameful. And I blame myself for the calf dieing. Even though it wasn't really my specific patient (the residents knew what they were doing so I feel like it was theirs), and we worked so hard to save it. I know the calf couldn't survive, but I still feel bad about it, and I probably will for the rest of my life.

When I was little I made a lot of mistakes with animals. I found a lot of sick and injured wild life, as there was no shortage of baby birds, squirrels, and rabbits around our house. I remember finding a squirrel that was paralyzed in it's hind limbs. Of course we took it to the vet, and the vet asked us if we wanted to euthanize it or take it back home with us. Knowing what I do now, the vet probably should have insisted on euthanasia. First, the squirrel could have been rabid (Although it is highly unlikely to have rabies in squirrels, any neurologic wildlife should be treated with caution, and should not be allowed near children.) and second, being a child I thought death was just the worst possible option so I took the squirrel home and released it. That poor squirrel probably died a slow painful death because of me. Great.
The second incident involved my pet parakeets...they all died because I didn't know enough about them. Knowing what I do now, they were on the wrong diet, the wrong vitamins, everything! I also didn't have any patience with one particular bird. She was very skittish. With most of my parakeets I could put my hand in the cage, and after a few days they would approach and/or let me handle them. This bird however, would never let me touch her. I should have been patient and taken my time. Instead, after a few months I thought it would be best to let her go...into the wild. Once again I killed an animal with starvation/exposure. As a child I remember imagining she made it to Florida and was living in the everglades....phht!
The last incident actually happened when I was in high school. I found two baby birds and decided to raise them. I took them to the vet and cared for them for a few weeks. As they grew I became worried that I wasn't doing the right thing for them, because I knew I could never teach them to fly or hunt. Then one of them flew, and I thought maybe I was wrong. So I kept them for about 2 more months, and got very attached to them. Then one morning I came in, and one of them was dead. I was horrified, because neither had looked sick the day before. That afternoon when I checked on the other bird it was on the floor of the cage, dieing. I tried desperately to revive it, but of course it didn't work. I'm sure that with my lack of knowledge and skills I killed those poor birds as well.
So that is my sordid past with animals, and yes, I do still feel guilty about all of those incidents. I really hope when I have kids I can give them better guidance on animal care. I wish my mom would have been a bit more firm with me on my choices. In the end, I feel like I made a lot of mistakes that could have been prevented if I had just known better. As a vet, maybe I can help prevent people from making some of the same mistakes I did.

I Heart Large Animal Medicine

So today we had Large Animal Surgery lab, and it was fantastic!!! It wasn't a train wreck like small animal surgery was!!! The teachers were much more patient and taught me all sorts of interesting things. I also actually learned how to use a balling gun, I felt stuff when I palpated, I learned to tie knots, I answered questions right, I got to draw blood. It was an epic win!!! It really makes me want to be a large animal vet, but unfortunately I have very little experience in large animal. Maybe I can get some somehow....